Self-esteem is incredibly important. In fact, I think it is so important that I am going to say that again. Self-esteem is incredibly important. Many people have the notion that it is the same as self-confidence; however it is far more than just self-confidence. If we look further into the origins of the word esteem itself, as we look etymologically, it comes from the word aestimate, which literally means "to put a value on." As you might guess, this word shares the same root as the word "estimate." Therefore, we can see that self-esteem, really does just mean; the value we put on ourselves.
Now then, what are the key components of self-esteem? When someone has high self-esteem, they have a genuine, deep rooted sense of self; they actually like (and often love) themselves; they can and do recognise and be in control of their internal state; and they have a sound sense of purpose, or rather they act and behave with purpose. These are not magical gifts that we were given at birth, oh no. One of the key concepts in many of my self-improvement or change programmes or writings is a presupposition of neuro linguistic programming (NLP) and that is: what others do, you can learn. So that is where I am going to start here, by indicating and illustrating just what it is that people with high self-esteem actually do, I am going to break it down into easily consumable chunks so that you can replicate them and apply them to your own life immediately.
These things, if applied in the correct way, can have an amazing impact on anyone’s self-esteem.
Developing Your Own Sense of Self:
Many of the individuals that I have worked with over the years tell me that they lack self-confidence. I hear it so very often. As mentioned previously, self-esteem is the value we place on ourselves whereas self-confidence relates to our actions. Again, if we look at the word "self-confidence" it means to trust in ourselves, so at its root it implies some kind of challenge or task that is to be undertaken in some way. To be more specific, confidence usually relates to our ability to do something or to have some kind of competency. We are confident in our ability to do something, to behave in a particular way in a particular situation, to take on a particular challenge.
It has been my experience that it is almost impossible to have self-confidence if we do not have self-esteem.
I once worked with a lady who was naturally very gifted in her specialised field and was a legal secretary. Following her initial training and joining a legal firm, she was recognised by the senior partners as being intelligent, conscientious and diligent as well as hard working. She really was an asset to the company and got on very well with her colleagues. At the end of her first year of working for the company, she was offered a more senior position and she was given some additional responsibility along with a slight increase in her salary.
Following three years in this role, the legal team office manager role became available and as she had been as good as running the office anyway, one of the company’s senior partners recommended that she apply. The partner felt that she deserved the role and encouraged her to apply. But, the lady in question was rather taken aback by the suggestion; she did not feel qualified or competent enough to take the role on or to even consider applying. She had always managed to successfully find reasons for dismissing praise, she told herself that she simply did not deserve it and that anyone could have done what she did and that there would come a day that one of the partners would realise that she was not that good at her job and she would be shown for what she really was. Therefore she just did not apply. Remarkable. What’s more, I know that you know someone just like this.
I encounter so many people like this. So many. People that have this low self-esteem and are not able to generalise from the obvious successful results that they are having, or the acknowledgement they receive. It is almost as if they don’t "hear" the praise that they are given. Because of this, the lady I mentioned earlier lacked the confidence to apply for the promotion; and many people with low self-esteem consistently and continually underachieve in their lives. Most of them spend their entire lifetimes underestimating themselves and feeling that they are not worthy.
So what we are going to do is to explore. Over the years I have investigated those people that do have self-esteem and how they actually think and behave. It is all about that probing question "How do they do that?"
When I worked at the Independent National newspaper in central London when I was younger, the newspaper had been bought by a new owner and was moving from where the previous owners, the Mirror group were based, in Canary Wharf in Docklands, London, to new premises in a slightly different part of London. A girl called Samantha was the Managing Directors PA and rather than using a proper project manager of some sort, the MD organised the relocation himself with Samantha’s help.
She liked being who she was, had done well at school, this was only her second job and she had worked up the secretarial ranks to become the MD’s PA. She did not mind being asked to help with anything out of the ordinary or unusual. The day before the office relocation was due to happen, the MD was involved in a car accident and had to take some time off due to being in hospital for a night and then off for a period of recovery. Another director asked Samantha if she would oversee the relocation as she had been so involved in the process. She was very slightly apprehensive but of course agreed with no hesitation: after all, she knew most of the arrangements that had been made, and whats more the MD had a mobile that she could call if she was desperate.
Now I mention this because you can see the differences between the two people in those examples. Not only did Samantha have a more easygoing temperament than the lady mentioned in my first example, she was also far more comfortable with herself and of course that naturally meant that she could take the leap of confidence in herself that was required for her to take on the last minute responsibility.
Both of the women were extremely capable, however, the first mentioned lady had a low sense of self-worth, whereas Samantha believed in herself. So, what about you? I would like you to answer these questions to yourself:
- Can you accept a compliment straight, without verbally or non-verbally deflecting it and without dismissing it or having to qualify it in your mind.
- Are you ever afraid that you may well be "found out" one day?
- Can you list 5-10 things that you like about yourself without hesitation, just doing it straight away?
- What is your reaction (internally and externally) when you are asked to try something that you have not done before, something new?
- What do you say to yourself inside your mind when you are about to do something that challenges you or that is difficult?
Really take some time and even consider writing down your answers, it is always good to see this kind of information in writing as well as it being in your mind. Then, what do your answers suggest about you and how much you like yourself? Do you think well of yourself? Are you happy being you? Are you critical about yourself and your abilities? I recommend writing these down again because you can then compare and contrast your answers when you have finished following these techniques and strategies. So, lets move on to those strategies and techniques.
The first of the strategies that I want to mention is: Accepting Compliments.
Quite simply, the easiest way to accept a compliment is just by saying "Thank You." Not too difficult is it? Remember a compliment that someone has paid you, however small or minor you may consider it: imagine hearing it in your head again, play it over and over or better still, say it out loud to yourself and then say "Thank You." You may want to experiment with a variety of tones of voice or accents or mannerisms as well as different facial expressions to find some of the ways that resonate the best with you and that seems the most natural.
You need to push your boundaries out here and really do this. Practice this over and over. I would recommend that you practice this in front of a mirror too even if it does feel unusual. Then, on the next occasion that someone gives you a compliment, because there will be some, catch what you do, even if your old response tries to kick in again. Even if it does, notice what you did and just offer a "Thank You" anyway. As you keep on doing this your brain will learn the new response and will begin doing it automatically.
Worrying about being found out:
Hmmm. Ok, ask yourself this question: what exactly is it that I do not want other people to know? Really ask yourself that and answer it thoroughly and precisely. The majority of people just dont want people to think badly of them or their abilities. This kind of worry or fear almost always has to do with what you anticipate happening and not what actually does happen; it tends to be removed from reality.
So now is time for a reality check. These people that often feel unworthy about their capabilities at work or about their attractiveness are underestimating themselves. You should observe the other people at your work or in your life that seem quite contented with themselves and notice that contentment and ability are not related. They are not correlated. At the same time, you only have to take a good look at couples in any public place to notice that beauty really is in the eye of the beholder. It has often helped to ask two very powerful questions here to discover other possible reasons for your unnecessary worries:
- What stops you (feeling good about yourself)?
- What would happen if you did (feel good about yourself)?
Learning to Like You:
Ok, it is time to take out your self-esteem journal or that piece of paper to write on again. As we touched on earlier, I would like you to list anything you can think of that you like about yourself. It might be the dimples in your cheeks when you smile, or the crookedness of your teeth, or the fact that you can spell words really easily, or that you have good morals, or that you are honest. Absolutely anything applies here. Keep on collecting and adding to this list. Now check this list against your logical levels exercise that you did at the very beginning of this programme. Think about your environment, your beliefs and values, your capabilities, your behaviour and identity and think about your characteristics on each level and find more and more things on many differing levels that contribute to your own unique identity. Then keep this list somewhere important to be able to refer to and remind yourself often of its contents.
Doing Different Things:
Lots of us react with fright, fear and anxiety when confronted with new things! Oh, no, a new thing! So if you do respond that way, spell out the worst case scenarios you have in your mind. Really spell them out, write them down if it will help. Sometimes this is enough to make you realise that they are silly fears or maybe they are a bit (or a lot) unlikely. I bet they are. However, if your worst case scenario could happen, think about how it could be managed and overcome. Take it a step further and think about someone you know would overcome it. what exactly would they do? How would they go about it? So, instead of letting that fear harbour itself deep within you as if you were burying it, take it on and find and create a strategy for dealing with it. Much more often than not at least one of these approaches can and will defuse the anxiety. Now, if it doesn’t, your intuition and instincts may well be right: so don’t do it!
Communicating With You:
I have written a lot before about our internal dialogue, if you really have too much of it and you want to use it far better, I would recommend you read my best-selling book "The Secrets of Self-Hypnosis: Harnessing the Power of Your Unconscious Mind" or you look through the archives of my ezine for the article that I wrote on it before. Please remember the archive is temporary, please read those articles before they are moved.
The point I want to make here is that if you persist on telling yourself not to make an idiot of yourself in front of others, or remembering how things went wrong the last time, or highlighting to yourself how useless you are, then that internal dialogue voice may well be contributing to your problem. In fact, I know it is!
So instead, begin to think: what would you say to someone else in the same situation if you wanted to encourage them? Work it out and again, write it down. How would you encourage them? Then continue to say those things to yourself. Do this. Say those things to yourself instead of all that other nonsense that you used to persist on saying. Be convincing and sincere; really mean it. Now how does that feel? To have that kind of progressive internal dialogue instead. It can be like a breath of fresh air for your brain, you are nurturing it. Because we engage in it so very much, each time you create some internal dialogue the more supportive you become and this makes a real difference to you self-esteem and your self-confidence.
Self-Esteem Telling Signals:
How can you tell if someone has self-esteem? It is so easy to tell, though not many people actually notice. One of the surest indicators is that people with self-esteem just do not need to prove themselves. By that I mean that they do not need to:
Boast.
Put others down.
Show off.
Name-drop.
Hog the limelight.
Tell you all about themselves and their achievements.
It is often individuals who do these seemingly confident behaviours that have quite low self-esteem.
Have you ever thought about what really creates self-esteem? Having a deep sense of inner worth is important to all of us, but many people have some false beliefs about what creates confidence in our own merit as individuals.
Some of the common false beliefs regarding what creates self-esteem are:
* I will feel good about my self when Im making $______(fill in the amount) a year.
* I will feel worthy when I am in a relationship with a (beautiful) (handsome) (wealthy) (loving) (fill in own) person.
* I will feel worthy when I get enough approval from enough people.
* I will feel adequate when I have a baby.
* I will feel adequate when_______( fill in desired outcome that you attach to your sense of worth).
However, there are many people who have all of the above and still do not feel a deep sense of self-esteem. Thats because self-esteem has nothing to do with anything external, such as looks, approval, money, relationships with others, or having a baby.
Self-esteem, or the lack of it, is solely the result of how we treat ourselves. Those people who attend to their own feelings and needs with loving action on their own behalf feel good about themselves, while those people who ignore, invalidate, or judge their own feelings and needs feel badly about themselves.
For example, Anna grew up with parents who were hardworking and very caring about their children, but who didnt take good care of themselves. Both of her parents smoked, drank too much, and didn’t eat well. Neither of them took responsibility for their own feelings, so both of them were anxious or depressed much of the time. Even though her parents were loving to her, Anna does not take good care of herself, having had no role modeling for personal responsibility, She doesnt eat well or get enough exercise, doesn’t stand up for herself at home or at work, and doesn’t get enough rest or playtime. She is very attractive, makes lots of money, has a husband and children, yet often feels very insecure.
If you imagine that her feelings and needs are like a child within, you can begin to see why she doesn’t feel good about herself. Treating herself badly will always result in feeling badly. You might be tempted to think that she treats herself badly because she doesn’t feel good about herself, and that’s true, but she will not feel good about herself until she treats herself as a worthwhile person. Her good feelings will come from her loving action toward herself. The more loving action she is willing to take on her own behalf " taking physical, emotional, financial, organizational, relationship, and spiritual responsibility " the better she will feel about herself.
How can Anna be motivated to take loving care of herself when she doesn’t feel good about herself? It seems like a vicious circle, yet there is a way out. Anna doesn’t feel motivated to take care of herself because she thinks that who she is, is her ego, the wounded part of herself whom she doesn’t like. Yet if Anna opens to knowing who she really is - that she beautiful and perfect child of God, that her essence, her true Self is a spark of God, created in the image of God - she will want to take loving care of this wonderful soul within.
When Anna begins to take loving care of herself, her wounded self " the part of herself that has low self-esteem " begins to heal. The more Anna feeds herself well, gets enough exercise and rest, speaks up for herself and tells her truth, takes care of her financial situation, organizes her time and environment, treats others with kindness and compassion, and opens to her spiritual Guidance or Higher Power, the better she will feel about herself. Self-esteem is the result of taking loving action, not the cause of it. Since we all have free will, we each have the choice to take loving action on our own behalf.
It doesn’t matter how badly you were treated as a child, or how badly your parents treated themselves. Your actions need never be governed by your past. If you devote yourself, moment-by-moment, to taking loving action on our own behalf, you will discover that the result is high self-esteem.
The best way to improve your life and earn the respect of others is to improve your self-esteem. This is not a very difficult task. All that it needs is good guidance. Here are ten tips that can happen when you improve your self–esteem.
1. You should surround yourself with people who are positive and supportive, and shun friends who are cynical and negative. This will generate a huge swell of positive feelings in you. You will respect yourself more, and your self-esteem will grow.
2. You should be clear about what you want to achieve in life. Set goals, and work for their achievement. To make your task easier, break your main goal into several smaller goals which are relatively easier to achieve. This will make the task of reaching your main goals seem easier. It will also give you a feeling of satisfaction whenever you achieve one of the smaller goals.
3. Always be positive about yourself and keep reminding yourself about your good qualities, your accomplishments and how you help your family, friends, others and yourself. Dont make the mistake of brooding over negative things, and never put yourself down.
4. Develop the ability to accept criticism about yourself, without getting upset or defensive. This will help you eliminate your weaknesses one by one. However, make sure that the criticism is constructive. Dont allow yourself to be overwhelmed by criticism that is cynical or meant to lower your self-esteem. This will be a great mistake, and do irreparable damage to your self-esteem.
5. We all need to accept the fact that we will fail from time to time. We should not let it get us down or to have too much of a negative effect on us. We should think that we have not been successful this time and that we will succeed the next time. This will help us to pull ourselves together and move on. Such an attitude will help us overcome the most difficult conditions.
6. Never compare yourself with others. This is the easiest way to feel inferior and lose self-esteem. It is much better to rate yourself on your achievements. Such an approach will give you self-confidence. At the same time it will make you feel better when dealing with your peer group.
7. Never put yourself down. Failures are like parasites. If you allow them to grow they will eat away your self-confidence, self-respect and self-esteem. The best is to push negative thoughts out of your mind, if you want others to treat you with respect. This can only happen when you project a positive exterior, even in most adverse situations. Make it a point to filter out all self-criticism.
8. Dont give in to bullies in your place of work or in your personal life. You must learn to stand up to them. This can only happen if you are assertive about your rights. Of course, this does not mean that you should pick up physical battles to make your point. On the contrary, you should exercise restraint and make your point in a dignified manner. This will not only make others treat you with respect but also increase your self-esteem.
9. You may be self-conscious and because of this you may avoid talking to groups of people. Try to approach groups of people and introduce yourself to them. Ask them questions about themselves and try to be genuinely interested in the answers. Listen carefully and attentively to what they say and respond to show your interest. Interacting with people will make you feel more relaxed. You will realize that it is easy to speak to groups of people and to relax by concentrating on what others are saying, rather than on yourself.
10. Self-esteem is also dependent upon the felling of well-being. A lazy person or a poorly groomed person will always feel inferior to a confident, smart individual. So, you need to take good care of your body. Remember, a healthy body is essential for a healthy mind.
Here we will sum up the signs of anger, because even though everyone is different, there are certain comparable signs that denote this strong emotion.
Sometimes, an angry person will verbally or physically assault others. They are sometimes prone to violent outbursts, often involving hurting others or destroying things.
An angry person is often aggressive, and might complain a lot about seemingly everything. They often engage in malicious behavior toward others, retaliating or striking out against others.
People who are angry are often antisocial, with an incapability to relate to their peers. Often, they disparage people, say cruel or unkind things, or hurt people to make themselves feel better.
Their lack of dealing with the anger problems leads to the inability to trust others. They exhibit suspicious, judgmental, or jealous characteristics toward others. Angry people might try to undermine others, and be disruptive if they do not agree with something. An angry person is not pleasant to be around, and they desperately need help.
Recently I heard about a woman that had serious anger problems. For seemingly no reason she would react to what most people would consider minor issues such as a child eating too much or eating something that she envied.
Something like this was enough to bring about an irrational reaction. Sometimes she was mild in her acts, and other times she was out of control. In most cases, she had no basis for her behavior; however, there was an underlying source, as is usually the case.
The woman did in fact display anti-social behaviors, and she often conveyed odd thinking patterns. For example, she would say that all men are pigs. She also talked about leading men on; leading them down to her basement and having alligators eat them alive. The woman was unbalanced and very ill.
Now she was diagnosed with Bipolar – Manic Depression, and Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. After careful examination Posttraumatic Stress was dismissed and the diagnosis was that of exaggerated, anti-social traits.
According to her, the cause for her anger was that the many men she had been involved with had mistreated her. This was only part of the reason, and the truth surfaced when she talked more about her life. She had been adopted as a child; therefore, she felt a sense of abandonment.
The origin here is understandable, since she most likely resented her parents for giving her up for adoption. Even if the parents’ reasons were valid, she rebuffs when prompted to hear the other side of the story. Since the woman’s symptoms were ongoing, the treatment would probably never work since she was a victim of her own mind and in denial.
It was obvious that the woman had anger manifesting in her own behaviors. She performed illegal acts, such as writing bad checks. Therefore, the symptoms she endured were partially of her own choice. She produced her anger and paranoia; therefore her anger is her own responsibility.
However, angry people will often undermine others. For example, an angry individual might say something like: try these diet pills; they will help you take off some weight. The angry person is well aware that the other individual has a sore spot about their weight, even though she is normal weight. Therefore, the angry person is trying to disparage the individual by undermining her self-esteem.
An angry person will also seek attention and use damaging words. For example, an angry person might say, “I am fat”. The angry person is waiting for you to disagree, and offer compliments. The best thing to do in this situation is to ignore the angry person. Because denial is at the source of the problem, no matter how many times you try to convince the person otherwise, they will not believe you.
A healthy lifestyle can help people with various disorders and diseases better control them, gaining a better quality of life. High blood pressure is one the diseases that can be better controlled with a healthy lifestyle. In some people, a healthy lifestyle can prevent high blood pressure from developing.
Many of us have heard over and over to "lose weight and get more exercise" because it will help a person to maintain better health. Maintaining a healthy weight and exercising regularly can do a lot to help prevent and control high blood pressure.
High blood pressure and a high weight are closely related. Being overweight significantly raises a person’s risk of developing high blood pressure. An overweight person raises their risk by as much as six times. But, as a person starts to take the extra pounds off, their blood pressure typically goes down too.
Try to eat more fruits, vegetables, whole grains, low-fat dairy products, and lean protein.
Exercise is another important factor in preventing and controlling high blood pressure. Exercising makes the heart stronger and enables it to pump blood throughout the body with less effort. The easier it is for the heart to pump blood, the easier it is on the arteries.
Regular physical activity helps a person reach and maintain a healthy weight. The latest federal guidelines suggest a person engage in moderate physical activity 30-60 minutes a day, 5-7 days a week. Walking is a good physical activity, especially for people just starting an exercise routine. Swimming, biking, and jogging are also great forms of exercise. In addition, federal guidelines suggest a person engage in vigorous physical activities, such as strength training, three times a week for at least 20 minutes each time.
Smoking is hard on the heart and nicotine cases the blood vessels to constrict, narrowing the blood vessels and making the heart work harder to pump blood through the body. Smoking also interferes with some blood pressure medications, making them much less effective. Quitting smoking reduces the risk for high blood pressure, will help to control existing high blood pressure, and will also reduce a person’s risk of developing lung cancer, heart disease, and having a stroke. Quitting smoking is very difficult, possibly the hardest thing a person will ever do, but doing so goes a long way towards improving a person’s health.
Avoiding excessive sodium is suggested to help control and prevent high blood pressure, although there has been controversy in recent years about whether or not reducing sodium intake will have much of an effect on blood pressure. It may not have a big impact, but even a small reduction in sodium can have a positive effect on a person’s health.
Take any prescribed high blood pressure medications as directed ,don’t skip doses or quit taking it entirely. If, after being on medication for a period of time blood pressure returns to normal levels, it does not mean that person’s blood pressure has become normal. It means the medication is doing its job and is controlling the blood pressure. Blood pressure medication needs to be taking indefinitely, often for life.
Avoid excessive alcohol consumption. Not only can it cause high blood pressure, it’s also bad for the liver and kidneys.
Although studies have not proven whether or not caffeine affects high blood pressure, some studies have shown that people who regularly consume caffeine each day have higher blood pressure than people who don’t. On the other hand, some studies have shown that people eventually develop a tolerance to caffeine and that it then no longer affects their blood pressure. As a precautionary measure, physicians will usually advice patients with high blood pressure to limit their caffeine intake.
You may have a Hollywood image of anger management courses based on recent films that depict the encounters in humorous ways. But anger management is actually a serious approach to tackling a difficult problem. Everyone gets angry at times, usually in varying degrees and for differing reasons. But some people seem to have less control than others, and their rage can explode to a damaging or even a dangerous extent. Anger management courses are designed to help those individuals regain control over volatile emotions.
Where Do You Find Anger Management Courses? Sometimes uncontrolled anger is a symptom of another, deeper problem. This may be related to the person’s victimization from childhood or adult abuse, a personality disorder, a hormone imbalance, or an unhealthy relationship, just to name a few possible causes. Anger management courses may address just the anger aspect, or they may include education about underlying issues like these.
Much will depend on the course’s facilitator or coordinator’s training as to which topics can be covered in the sessions. When larger issues are included, the classes may be called something other than anger management courses for example, they may be termed behavior control classes, or something along those lines. You may want to browse the telephone directory’s yellow pages under sections like emotions, anger control, behavior self-help, and related terms to see what type of groups are meeting in your area.
Then you can get in touch with their leaders to find out whether anger management training will be included. Another way to find anger management courses in your area is to contact a social services organization or self-help programs to see if they either sponsor or have information about anger management courses.
There is a good chance that one or more of these programs can point you in the right direction. Often, these programs work together, and many of the staff are familiar with sessions offered by other groups. You also may want to contact local churches, YMCA programs, and libraries or civic centers that sponsor related types of self-help classes. If they do not already offer anger management courses, they may be willing to help you organize one, or at least publicize a sign-up sheet to see if there is enough interest to warrant a start-up class.
One of the best ways to track key information, people, and locations connected to anger management courses is by doing an Internet search. Use Yahoo or another search engine to visit anger management websites that can provide tips on recognizing warning signs, self-help practices, and finding clinical support. Check out sites like anger-management-information.com to learn more about this potentially devastating condition that affects not just your life, but the lives of others with whom you live, work, and socialize.
Enrolling in anger management courses reflects well on your willingness to take responsibility for your actions and become proactive in dealing with anger issues. Take advantage of the many types of anger management assistance that are available to those who make time to explore the available options.
Emotional and Social Development Many theorists have suggested the emotional development of a child, or the core of one’s self esteem needs to be understood and fostered at home and in the classroom. Teachers and parents should focus on children’s emotional development or the "feelings that generally have both physiological and cognitive elements which influence behavior" (Feldman, 2000, p. 329), at a young age. These feelings need to be positively reinforced to develop a high self-esteem through out the child’s life. Most theorists agree that there is a link between a child’s development and their respective emotional levels.
The views of the theorists also clarify the most influential stages in a child’s life when emotional development is necessary and how this development reinforces a child’s self esteem. A child’s emotional development needs to be built at home and school in order to develop a high self-image. By the time a child is three years old, he or she is an emotionally complex person who has experienced a wide range of emotions. As parents, teachers, and caregivers we need to help promote our children’s emotional development so that they will be able to develop healthy relationships with their peers and learn how to manage their emotions effectively. This will help them get the most benefit out of their learning and eventually adulthood development. A child’s emotional development begins with the relationship with their caregiver.
The type of responses that a child receives from their first caregivers (i.e. parents, daycare providers) will determine how that child will learn to deal with their emotions later on in their live (Ashiabi, 2000). A child who has a secure relationship with their caregiver will initiate positive interactions and respond positively to initiations with others (Ashiabi, 2000). Conversely, a child who has an insecure relationship with his or her caregiver will show more negative emotions while interacting with others (Ashiabi, 2000).
Elizabeth Cady Stanton once said, "Self-development is a higher duty than self-sacrifice" (Quote, 2004). Having a good self worth or attitude about oneself can define self-esteem. Children with a "healthy" self-esteem feel, "that the important adults in their lives accept them, care about them, and would go out of their way to ensure that they are safe and well" (KidSource, 2004). In younger children, self-esteem is not measured by their self worth, but by how well the loved ones in their lives respect and respond to their particular needs. For example, children with a lack of role models or a lack of parental support tend to have a lower self-esteem because they feel that these adults do not accept or care about them. This is the main factor which children base their level of self-esteem on through out their childhood and then on into adulthood. An example of this can be seen in early childhood development of infants who respond and attach themselves to the adults who love and are responsible for them. In the magazine American Baby it states, "What’s usually the fastest way to soothe a crying baby? Snuggle together while gently stroking him. Your touch has an amazing power to communicate love" (Wu, 2004). What this is pointing out is that the infant is responding to the trusted adult’s touch basing its emotional development on this form of communication and overall establishing the child’s future trust and self-esteem. One big question about self-esteem is, "The more you praise your child, and the more self esteem your child will have. This is correct, isn’t it?" (Cyperparent, 2004).
The answer to this question is not as simple it seems. It has been said that if you continuously praise a child, it may make the child question the sincerity of that adult, causing them to soon dismiss these praises as "fake" and eventually hindering their self esteem. Even young children can see through excessive praise and flattery (KidSource, 2004). This is very important in today’s classroom. Research suggests that we should praise, but also challenge and encourage the student to take risks. Praising your children and your students should be only one aspect of raising self-esteem. The main aspect of this development should focus on how, "Helping children develop self-esteem involves listening, accepting, and praising. Self-esteem comes from acceptance. Provide positive self-esteem. Help your children grow self-esteem" (KidSource, 2004).
A child’s self-esteem is not something imprinted in their DNA when born, self esteem is established and planted by parents and teachers through a lot of time, dedication, and positive reinforcement. Remember that a child, also, does not and really cannot develop self-esteem over night. Self-Esteem is something that is trail and error for each child and with the positive help and influence of parents or teachers, a proper and high self esteem can be established, building upon each event through out their life, representing their emotional development. It has been established for a long time that emotion does play a role in learning (Gewertz, 2003). Recent research has also shown that a deliberate approach to teaching social and emotional skills in the classroom increases test scores and grades, increases students’ enthusiasm and motivation to learn and reduces behavior problems.
Children who are distracted by emotional issues do not learn effectively (Gewertz, 2003). By focusing on developing emotional and social skills, teachers and parents can help students to maximize their learning potential. There are many ways a teacher can establish a child’s emotional development. As we have stated previously, children build their self-esteem and emotional development based of the adults who they are close to and whom they spend a lot of time with. Teachers need to encourage children by building upon their self-esteem in their lesson plans so that their students will feel comfortable and confident with themselves. A teacher can make their students feel more confident by giving each child a specific responsibility. This is not only exciting for the child, but it also provides an opportunity for the student to gain some ownership of the classroom. A teacher can also show the students to how to learn from past failed attempts (Research and Children, 2004).
In order to make this work, a teacher needs to let go of their instinct to overprotect the students and allow them to be creative and encourage any questioning. Building or growing a child’s emotional development is different than teaching it. Teachers also have to keep in mind that they might be the sole provider for this form of development if the child is not receiving it at home. Thoroughly planning lessons around positive thinking will help to reinforce this theory. There are many lesson plans teachers have access to via the internet. Most of these can easily be adapted to fit a teacher’s specific situation. The K-5 lessons range from a "Who am I Collage," by Linda Bauck, which teaching the child who they are, to a "self esteem/class pride chain," by Kimberlee Woodward, which teaches them teamwork and self worth. The collage allows the students to create and present a piece of work about them. This allows the students not only to talk about their interests and characteristics, but also to work on presentation skills with peers. The chain lesson plan allows the student to list five talents on separate strips of construction paper. Then with the teachers help they will be linked to form a chain. The students each present their talents to the class, then link the entire chain together. This serves as a reference point and a reminder throughout the year. A student can always look up and see that he does possess talents, and so do his peers.
Lesson plans building child development can be found on the internet at sites such as www.eduref.org/, which these lesson plans were located at. Another route the teacher can look into is character education which is a theory based on teaching children character. Really the focus of the teacher should be to learn about emotional development then implement it into the classroom. There are outlining stages for emotional development and children. Parents and by teachers need to understand these stages so that they can aid in building their children’s emotional development and positively mold children’s self esteem.
Emotional Development is important to understand because it can really help the child all the way into adulthood. Amos Alcott once said, "The true teacher defends his pupils against his own personal influence" (Quote, 2004). Teachers and parents are responsible for the emotional development of the children and the influence they share with these children can affect the children’s lives forever.
Dealing with Emotional Pain Robert Elias Najemy (Hurt - Bitterness - Injustice - Abused ? Pain) We feel emotional pain when we do not get what we want, need, or expect. We might feel hurt, rejection, bitterness, abuse, injustice or simply emotional pain. In such cases, we have not received the behavior or outcomes we expected or believed we deserved.
We feel this kind of feel pain in cases when * people * do not behave to us in the ways that we had expected as well as in situations where * life * does not give us what we feel we need or deserve. We believe, "I cannot feel happy unless I get that which I believe I need." We have associated our security, satisfaction, self-worth or freedom with something that we are not getting from persons, society, God, or life as a whole. Some examples might be when:
1. Others lie to or deceive us.
2. They do not support us when we need them.
3. They reject or criticize us.
4. We fail at some task, which we feel that we should have succeeded at.
5. We loose a loved one.
6. Our loved one shows preference to another.
7. People important to us do not show us the respect we expect.
8. Others do harm to us or our loved ones.
9. We are accused of doing or saying something we did not do.
10. When are falsely suspected of having ulterior motives.
11. "Friends" gossip about us behind our backs.
12. We are not given the raise of promotion we believe we deserve at work. 13. Others do not keep their agreements with us.
14. We are robbed.
15. We lose our fortune in some way. You can add many more situations in which we feel hurt because we have not received the respect, love, affection, loyalty, truth, kindness and justice that we were expecting.
*** Positive Alternatives to Feeling Hurt *** Positive alternatives to feeling hurt, bitterness and injustice could be:
1. * We can have Faith * in divine wisdom and justice. We are all in a process of evolution and nothing can happen to us, which is not exactly what we need in order to learn our next lesson. So rather than be overwhelmed by negative feelings, we can seek to discover what we can learn through this experience. Our lessons usually have to do with discovering the strength, security and self-worth, which are within us. As souls in the process of evolution, we are constantly being directed to contact and bring to the surface our spiritual self. This means realizing that we are whole within and can feel safe, worthy and fulfilled regardless of what is happening around us. Thus, every event which might cause us to feel pain is also a great opportunity to contact our inner spiritual self and move on and beyond this pain.
2. We are the sole creators of our reality. We as souls create our reality through:
a. Our past choices, thoughts, words and actions.
b. Our present conscious and subconscious beliefs, feelings and needs.
c. The lessons we have chosen to learn at this stage of our evolutionary process.
d. How we subjectively interpret what is happening.
Thus others are simply actors in the scenarios of our life the script of which we have written. We can create a happier reality by:
a. Transforming our conscious and subconscious beliefs.
b. Learning our life lessons.
c. Interpreting events in a different way ? as opportunities for growth rather than as injustices.
2. Forgiving and forgetting the past. In light of what we have said above, others are not responsible for our reality and thus can easily be forgive. Such forgiveness frees us from negative feelings and allows us to transcend pain. Thus we can overcome emotional pain by: 1. Realizing that every event is exactly what we need for our evolutionary process. 2. Learn the lessons involved.
3. Forgive others and ourselves. (Adapted from the "The Psychology of Happiness" by Robert Najemy available at
http://www.HolisticHarmony.com. This book and other writings can be viewed at http://www.HolisticHarmony.com where you can also download FREE articles and e-books.)
Ask the Marriage Maven: Angered by an Affair
Q. About a year ago, my husband had an affair with someone we both knew. It happened while I was pregnant. He said it would never happen again, but Im not so sure. Shes still in and out of our social circles.
I want to try to work things out, but every time I think about it, it makes me sick. The sad thing is that weve been married less than three years. Maybe he wasnt ready to be married. How do we work through our problems and have a happy marriage? Right now, it seems impossible.
P. R.
A. First off, let me say that Im sorry that this happened to you. Its hard to overcome the powerful feelings that linger after an affair. But if you think its impossible to have a happy relationship now, thats exactly what it will be. However, if you throw away the attitude of the impossible and embrace the one of determination, having a happy marriage can happen.
You might be right. It is possible (maybe probable) that your husband did not fully understand what your marriage would entail before getting into it, but now you both have a responsibility, and that includes raising your child.
It seems like youre making some good moves. Seeking help from books and the internet is a great idea. However, I would suggest that if you are not seeking professional counseling or coaching now–do it! Go with someone you trust to get you thought this difficult time. Even if youre the only one doing it at first, its good to get started with a person who can give and objective approach and help you resolve some issues.
Ultimately, you and your husband will need to determine if renewing your commitment can work. Each of you will have to make a choice to consciously work at making your relationship better. Both of you will need to make your marriage a priorityeven above taking care of your child(ren).
Despite what many people think, love is not a feeling, its a decision. I once heard a saying: Marriage is like a pet snake, you better feed it every day or bad things will happen. If your husband is willing to change, positive action towards making your marriage better will be evident. That said keep your eyes and heart open.
Article Source: http://www.articledashboard.com
If you have problems controlling your temper, you may want to consider enrolling in one of the many popular anger management seminars. There are sure to be some available in your area. If not, you can always suggest that a social services organization sponsor one of these anger management seminars. They are helpful and often fun ways to deal with a potentially distressing problem that can affect the lives of many people. First, learn a little bit more about anger management in general, and anger management seminars, in particular, by visiting websites like anger-management-information.com.
There you can access loads of helpful information about anger management techniques, training, and support, as well as other useful data. Although some sites may not list locations of actual anger management seminars in your area, you can find one near you by browsing the telephone directory yellow pages or white business pages. Then all you have to do is call the listed number for details. Why Enroll in Anger Management Seminars? Anger management seminars are held for people who have trouble controlling their tempers.
They may be prone to unexpected verbal outbursts, or they might act out their anger in unacceptable ways by raising their voice, arguing with others on little provocation, or becoming physically violent and possibly hurting themselves or others, as well as perhaps damaging furniture or other items. Sometimes you just can’t reason with people who get out of control in this fashion.
That’s when an expert may be able to offer advice, therapy, suggestions, or group dynamics to provide support for someone struggling with anger management. People of all ages may need to register for anger management seminars. Even children can sometimes lose control when they are overcome by extremely negative emotions stemming from family issues, emotional trauma, or other hurtful situations.
Aged people with dementia or other conditions also struggle with anger, sometimes, and may need help in learning to redirect their frustrations and irritations in appropriate ways. Recovering addicts, chronic abusers, and the girl next door all may have the common need for learning how to manage stress and avoid acting out their anger in ways that are harmful to themselves or to others. What Happens in Anger Management Seminars? If you decide to attend one or more anger management seminars, you will probably meet a trained therapist or psychologist who will teach the group about anger as an emotion and its suitable as well as unsuitable manifestations.
You will meet other people who are learning to recognize the triggers to their angry outbursts, and everyone can exchange ideas for what works and what doesn’t in learning to process difficult emotions. You may be offered print or other media resources that can be taken home and utilized when needed. Perhaps you will receive individual counseling that will assist you in addressing unresolved personal or family issues that may be the source of unmanaged anger. Give some thought to your emotional displays to decide whether anger management seminars may have something to offer you.
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