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Her husband, Christopher, cannot understand why
he is frequently angry with Vicky. He is not aware that he is reflecting
back her unexpressed anger, which is boiling under the surface of her
apparent role of the victim.
He, on the other hand, becomes angry easily because his father was
always angry. Thus, Christopher learned to solve his problems with
anger. When other do not behave as he wants or obstruct him from having
what he wants, he immediately becomes angry and adopts the role of the
intimidator. For him, the others are always wrong and responsible for
his unpleasant feelings. This is how he learned to function from his
father.
Vicky, however, not being able to acknowledge her anger, for fear of
behaving like her mother, whom she rejected and is ashamed of, is
continuously in the role of the victim, just as she was during
childhood.
In a sense, they are a "perfect" pair, an intimidator and a victim who
both had angry parents but responded differently. Of course, neither is
happy nor satisfied with the other.
What do they need to learn in order to get out of these roles
and into a conscious love relationship?
Vicky:
Does she perhaps need to learn some of the following lessons:
To overcome her fear of conflict?
To overcome the attachment or the fear that causes her anger and learn
to love the others as they are?
To learn to express her anger in the form of an "I-message"?
To learn patience, forgiveness, understanding?
To realize that she has the right to express her needs and feelings and
for them to be heard and understood by the others?
To believe that the others love her? To be more pleasant and positive to
the others?
To get free from the belief that she is the victim or that others want
to use or hurt her?
To work on her childhood years and forgive her mother?
To feel comfortable saying "no" and believe that the other will love her
anyway?
To express her needs more clearly and not expect the other to be a mind
reader?
To express her needs frequently and not expect the other to understand
the first time?
To acknowledge her anger and be able to express and explain it to the
others?
To not fear the other or give him or her so much power to criticize her
or suppress her?
To cultivate feelings of greater self-confidence and self-worth and to
feel equal with others?
To love and accept the other as he or she is without fearing him?
To remember that she is God’s child and has the same value, rights and
power all others have.
To love and accept herself even when others criticize her or shout at
her, and to realize that they have some problem?
To express herself more clearly, lovingly and assertively without fear
of what kind of reaction she might receive?
To free herself from past experiences in which she might have been
programmed to believe she would receive this kind of reaction?
To check if she perhaps has antagonistic feelings toward the other.
Perhaps she is competing for who is right or who is most capable. If so,
to stop competing?
Christopher:
Does he perhaps need to learn some of the following lessons:
To work on his childhood years and his relationship with his father?
To realize that he creates his reality, not the others?
To learn to express his needs with I-messages and not anger?
To respect the others more and not behave toward them in a way in which
he would not like the others to behave toward him?
To find greater peace within himself?
To help Vicky get free from the role of the victim and express herself?
Ideally, they will have the courage to take a look at their programmings
and free themselves from these roles.
By: Robert Elias Najemy
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