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When I ask these "family anger" questions to 50-100 workshop
participants, less than a handful respond on the "safe" side. Of course,
seeing the isolated hands, I observe, "About the same number of people
who show up for the annual 'Adult Children of Normal Parents
Convention.'" Based on my personal and professional experience, I
suspect not many folks have had good anger role models.
Well, let's get personal. How do you rate on "The Stress Doc's Seven
Self-Defeating Styles of Anger" Index? We'll begin with three:
1. Plan to Get Even. When you've been unfairly treated or criticized
(or, at least, feel you've been) do your eyes widen; perhaps, you have a
ghoulish grin? Endorphins have nothing on the biochemical rush as you
plot revenge! Bring on the costarring role in Nightmare on Elm Street
Part XIX? Or do you simply and stealthily retaliate through gossip and
innuendo? Perhaps you're into prevention: "Screw it to others before
they can even think about screwing it to you!"
2. Consuming Anger. Do you try drinking or eating your anger away or is
it so consuming it's eating away at you? Maybe you try controlling your
hurt and rage through pseudo saintliness or by spouting artificial
affirmations - fast food for thought - instead of compulsive eating? If
so, these lines from "The Self-Righteous Rap" may strike a chord:
Are you a martyr in self-imposed prison? Denying your needs becomes
"heaven's vision." When you've been hurt you just quietly pray But wish
you could scream: "Go ahead...Make my day!"
3. Intellectual Intimidation. "Oh, you don't really believe that, do
you?" "What's wrong with you?" "You should have done it this way." "You
are so disappointing to me!" (Restrain me, please.) Know any one who is
into "acc-you-sations"? Are you a "blameaholic"? The intellectual
bully's techniques range from finely judgmental observations to
condescending characterizations. Probably a graduate from "The Institute
for the Compassion-Impaired." There's a competitive edge to the
aggressor that's often a cover for self-doubt or a win-lose,
dominant-submissive survival strategy. As I once penned:
When battling for position you won't stop 'Cause you know your place --
you're always on top!
"Competition vs. Compassion" reminds me of a "dueling egos" exchange
with my younger brother -- a research psychologist, not a therapist. One
day, I was telling Larry about some difficult work I had done with a
family, some family interventions that I thought were both creative and
effective. Upon hearing my description, my brother piped in, "You should
have said such and such to the father." I was struck by the witty but
pretty insensitive suggestion, and grimaced. Seeing my expression my
brother quickly pounced, "What's the matter, you afraid the father would
punch you out?" At this point I counter punched. "No, I have a higher
standard of plagiarism!"
By: Mark Gorkin
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