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As a growing person and a psychotherapist, I have discovered that one
important thing we have to learn in order to experience inner peace is
how to deal with our own personal anger. This human emotion is often
denied, misunderstood, and misused. It is dangerous for us and the world
when we don’t constructively express this human emotion. The following
is what I have learned about
dealing with anger.
1. What is anger?
Anger is a normal, healthy human emotion. Whenever you are experiencing
anger, you are also feeling fear, hurt, and/or powerlessness. Therefore,
when you deal with your anger, you also need to deal with all the
underlying emotions.
2. Where in your body do you feel anger?
Most people feel anger in the form of tension or pain in their forehead,
jaws, cheeks, temples, arms, hands, center of the back of the neck, and
the back (especially the shoulder blades and the lower back).
3. What are some physical problems or illness that may result from
suppressed anger?
Some physical problems that may indicate that anger is present are:
headaches; jaw, gum and teeth problems (from grinding the teeth);
arthritis in the fingers or hands; back problems; stroke and heart
attack (“I am busting a gut”); high blood pressure (“I am boiling”);
bursitis in the shoulder (“I want to hit someone”); constipation; and
extreme tiredness. (Note: depression is anger turned inwards. When you
release your anger in a constructive way, your depression may also be
released.)
4. Is anger a good (positive) or bad (negative) emotion?
Anger is one of many emotions (feelings). Emotions are not good or bad,
positive or negative. They are feelings that have to be expressed.
People have the choice of dealing with anger in a positive or negative
way (constructively or destructively).
5. How do people express anger in a negative way?
Some people act out their anger in what is called Active Aggression.
Others act it out in Passive Aggression. And some people alternate
between active and passive aggression.
Active Aggressors may shout, curse, or physically attack a person or a
thing. Some examples are: hitting, rape, murder, starting fires, and
defacing property.
Passive Aggressors may quietly withdraw, be late, be sarcastic,
procrastinate, forget important dates, verbally attack with a soft voice
and a smile, or overeat.
6. Does physical
activity help release anger?
Physical activity helps relieve some of the angry energy that results
from angry feelings, but it does not resolve the anger. Therefore, the
angry feelings still present will create more angry energy, and you have
to keep running faster or hitting the ball harder in order to keep from
exploding.
7. Why do most people deny or resist accepting their angry feelings?
Most people block their anger because they are afraid that if they are
angry they will:
1) hurt someone else or themselves
2) be hurt by someone else
3) be out of control or crazy
4) be wasting their time (“I don’t accomplish anything, so why bother?)
5) be bad or not O.K.
6) be unladylike
7) be rejected
8) be like their parent and they hated it when their parent was angry
9) be too powerful
10) be giving their power to the other person (“The other person will
know they won or got to me.”)
8. How can I deal with my anger in a positive way?
You can deal with your anger in a constructive way by first
acknowledging it. Then by yourself or with someone you trust, angrily
yell and hit a soft pillow until your anger is released.
After that, get in touch with an underlying feeling which may be fear,
hurt, or powerlessness. Once you have owned and expressed all your
feelings, you are ready to make an affirmation (a positive thought).
For example:
1) If you are angry when “J” comes home late, release your feelings by
hitting a soft pillow, as you say “I’m angry at you ‘J’ for being late.
I’m angry.” (Continue to yell until you feel relaxed.)
2) Then say to yourself, “When you are late, I’m scared that I’m
unimportant.”
3) Affirmation: "I'm beginning to believe that I'm important."
4) If you are feeling calm because you understand all your feelings and
have released them, decide if you need or want to talk to the person
about the issue of coming late—in person, by letter, or by phone.
5. Finally, compliment yourself for dealing with your anger in a
healthy, positive, and constructive way. REWARD YOURSELF! YOU DESERVE
IT!
By: Helene Rothschild
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