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It seems we're a pretty anger ridden
society. And anecdotal evidence
suggests that we're getting angrier. But why? And what for?
I always, always tell my clients that anger is simply a representation
of fear. The guy on the motorway is fearful for his safety and so vents
his feelings via an angry display. But what's the point? It's unlikely
the other motorist had any idea what he was doing. He almost certainly
didn't do it deliberately or with malicious intent. Sure he was
careless, but does that merit anger?
Anger achieves nothing - except an early death from a heart attack or
similar. Be careful though - this is not about repressing or hiding your
anger - that can be just as harmful. This article is about dissipating
it, freeing yourself.
Once you realise that you're expressing your fears through anger, then
it's possible to liberate yourself from your anger. Have a think about
what it is that you're scared of in life, then think about the
situations in which you get angry. I'll bet you'll find a pretty good
correlation between the two.
Then ask yourself why you're frightened of these things. Expressing
anger because, for example, you've been called a rude name by someone
gets you nowhere. Think about it. Most of us want to be liked by others.
We're most likely afraid of
social rejection, so being called a nasty
name, or having verbal abuse thrown at us, touches some very sensitive
buttons. And we get angry.
But if someone picks on me because, say, I have green eyes, that is
their prejudice, not mine. I'm not about to take on board their issues
and neuroses. I just walk away. His neuroses are for him to deal with,
not for me. So I don't get angry. What, after all, is the point? If he
doesn't like me because I have green eyes, then he is the one with the
issue, not me. Shrug the shoulders, move on. It's an approach that's a
lot less hassle, less stressful and less time consuming than getting
angry! In addition to this, there are some great coping strategies you
can do for yourself. Here are some ideas for you...
Modelling:
The concept of modelling is well known in the world of NLP. Think of
someone you know and admire. In the context of anger management somebody
who you look up to as being a paragon of calmness; someone whose
feathers are never ruffled; someone you wish you could emulate.
Now, close your eye and visualise this person. See his or her features,
the clothes he/she is wearing. Hear what he/she is saying and really
take in that calm, clear headed mood.
Now, here comes the fun bit. In your mind's eye, step into that person's
body. It's a bit like the scene from Ghost, where Patrick Swayze's
character steps into ................ character's body and takes it
over. Except you're going to step into your role model's body and his or
her characteristics are going to take YOU over.
Really imagine what it's like to be that person, feel their calmness and
placid attitude sweeping over you. Yes, I know it's a weird idea - but
stay with me on this!
Now, when you're ready anchor the sensations. What this means is do
something like touch your index finger to your thumb just as you're
reaching a peak of calmness.
The next time you feel that anger rising, fire off the anchor. Touch
your index finger to your thumb and notice the difference it makes. As
always practice makes perfect. One session of doing this probably won't
make much impact, so do it on a regular basis (at least daily to start
with).
Dr Feelgood:
when was the last time you felt really good about yourself? When did you
feel really happy? Maybe it was a wedding, or a birthday party. Perhaps
it was that time you landed a spectacular deal at work. This is similar
to the modelling detailed above, but here we're going to elicit a mood
change by having you recall that wonderful time in your life
when....well, whatever it might be!
Sit or lie down and close your eyes. Think of that time. Making it truly
vivid in your mind, take yourself back to that time, as if you were
actually there, now. How good does that feel? Look at the happy faces
around you. Hear the adulation, the applause or the laughter. Use all of
your senses. Your mood is changing, your spirits lifting - doesn't that
feel nice?
Now, I'm not suggesting you'll necessarily feel that same rush of
adrenalin that you did the first time round when you went through this
experience, however by doing this you ARE creating some very real
chemical changes in your brain. The seratonin begins to flow as you
think about this happy experience. The change may be subtle and almost
imperceptible, or it may be dramatic. Either way you are creating change
in your body and mind.
Once again, you can anchor it if you wish in the same way as described
above. Again, do this regularly and it does make a difference.
Meditate on this Man....Far out!
There are a number scientific studies out there on the beneficial
effects of meditation. For instance, researchers at Yale, Harvard,
Massachusetts General Hospital, and the Massachusetts Institute of
Technology recently proved that meditation is associated with increased
cortical thickness - in other words it actually changes the structure of
you brain!
Now in fairness, I don't think that particular study focussed on the
effects on anger. BUT - any form of meditation, Yoga or, wait for it...
self-hypnosis, if practised on a regular basis, can beneficially affect
your attitudes, blood pressure, breathing rates, anxiety levels and so
on.
As a society we're rushing around popping anti-anxiety pills when Mother
Nature has already given us the perfect remedy - our minds!
So do engage in regular meditation or self hypnosis. In my view,
anything which helps you relax on a regular basis has got to be a good
thing!
And the next time someone cuts ME up on the motorway? Well, as long it's
not a malicious act, I'll probably shrug my shoulders and carry on. It
was a mistake - his mistake, not mine. I'll stick a CD in the car stereo
and sing to myself with a big smile on my face.
by :
Iain Phillips
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