|
So, here's my take on Anger management and different ways of looking at
the monster within….
1. Anger is just a symptom of a bigger problem, it is not the problem
itself - and neither is the thing you're getting upset about. So give
yourself some slack and next time you blow your top try to step back and
remember that there's another issue going on under all this that is
making you steam.
2. When you get angry its a sign that something is not right, either you
feel taken advantage of, or you feel suppressed, or you feel out of
control, or or or. But as a sign, this is a USEFUL thing, not something
to shy away from. Its OK to acknowledge anger as a sign that something
is up, you just don't have to then go forwards with it and smash up the
crockery.
3. Once you see anger as the sign or a symptom and not the enemy, then
you can start digging for the real root cause. This has a lot of power.
Instead of letting anger take you on its ride you can stop short and say
'hey, I'm feeling angry, what's up with that?' I know, sounds lame - but
it works!
Here’s a classic example, sleep depravation. My kids don’t sleep – in
fact I can count the number of full night’s undisturbed sleep I have had
in the past 4 years on one hand, I’m sure many of you can relate. When I
have had a particularly bad run of sleep depravation I wake up grumpy
and I just know my day is going to suck. And so it does.
Now, if I have my wits about me, I can alarm bell myself and think “Ah,
you’re just crabby because you are overtired. It’s not your fault and
it’s not your children’s fault, it just is. And it will be better
tomorrow”. It’s amazing how well it works. YES I still get cranky and
have a short fuse, but I actually tell my kids this (they are only 4 and
2 but they get it), I even go so far as to say “Sorry if I’m a bit
cranky and snappy today, I’m just tired”. Now, I’m sure some expert or
other will tell me I’m doing a terrible thing, but to me and my kids I
am outlining the real root cause of my anger – sleep depravation – and
keeping watch that I don’t damage my relationship with my kids by making
it their fault.
Understanding that the feeling of anger is simply an alarm bell for
something else has helped me enormously, and it also helps me to
disperse it. Watch your children for great examples of this! Last week
we were away for a family holiday with another family with kids – by day
3 all the kids were screaming and fighting and hitting, utter chaos! I
separated my eldest and we went for quiet time, whilst colouring I asked
her to explain to me more about her aggressive feelings and why they
were coming up. She said simply “I’m getting too excited”, when I asked
her what she needed me to do to help her to calm down, she said “I’d
like you to play with me by myself” I understood her to mean she needed
some quiet one on one attention, she needed for things to slow down, and
she needed a quieter environment. When all her needs were met, she
calmed right back down and the fighting stopped.
When is the last time you really looked at your own unmet needs? Whether
it’s more sleep, more quiet time, slowing down, asking for help – your
anger is a symptom that somewhere your needs are not being met. Instead
of taking it out on the children, your spouse, the pillow, why not say
’thank you for the warning!’ and get your needs met instead!
by :
Elaine Hamilton
|
