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Some love power struggles. They love winning and feeling power over the
other. This makes them feel strong.Fighting can easily become a habit,
something individuals fall into automatically and instinctively.
Needless to say, fighting prevents real communication from developing.
It is a way of threatening or blaming the other. Rather than really
addressing issues, it causes a situation to remain stuck.
Without a good fight, a relationship is over,” says Mary, a twenty six
year old administrative assistant. “The lights have gone off between us.
It’s a sign my partner no longer cares.”
Mary, who was recently divorced and is now in another choppy
relationship feels that eventually she’ll marry a man with whom she can
fight - and survive the storms. “ I respect a guy who I can fight with,
who can take me as I am.”
For Mary being angry, fighting and winning has became her identity.
Without it, she no longer knows who she truly is. She does not see price
she is paying for this kind of relationship or what toll it takes on all
concerned.
Unfortunately, the anger many individuals live with on a daily basis can
become crystallized into their identity. Once this identity becomes
habitual, the individuals soon have no idea who they would be without
it. Needless to say, this blocks out much of the happiness, flexibility,
communication and intimacy they desire.
“I’m not letting her walk all over me,” Roger would balk whenever his ex
wife expressed her needs to him now, or brought up any issue. Rather
than listening to what she had to say, he immediately took it as
criticism. “She’s trying to tell me I’m inadequate,” he would declare.
The war was on. What started as a conversation, turned into a power
struggle. From Roger’s point of view, his very manhood was at stake.
However, as long as any of us hold onto our anger and continue fighting,
there is no hope of working the problems through, or even truly
understanding what is really going on. Roger could not pause and realize
that his partner’s needs and feelings had nothing to do with him. He was
determined to take whatever she said or did personally and keep feeling
badly about himself. These are many consequences when we cling to anger
and allow it to turn into our sense of who we are.
Beyond that, it’s impossible not to receive the fruits of what you have
put forth. “As you sow, so shall you reap,” is an immutable law of
living. Although we may justify all kinds of behavior it is absolutely
inevitable that we will experience the consequences of our thoughts,
actions and deeds. Depression arises, hopelessness and the inability to
love again.
There are many steps involved in letting go of anger. The very first
step is to realize that anger is a toxin. It is not a source of strength
or power, but can become an addiction, a substitute for true power and
wisdom, something that hinders our well being and stops our life from
going forward.
There are definite steps we can take to undo anger. And in order to
begin a new chapter and to build a
positive relationship both with
ourselves and others, it is necessary to begin this process.
Here are a few steps one can take to begin. They are taken from The
Anger Diet which offers one step a day for thirty days. These following
guidelines are simple, but powerful. Why not try them today and see.
Putting An End To The War
1)Stop Blaming – It is absolutely pointless for you to blame yourself or
the other. Blame stops you from seeing the truth. While we are engaged
in pointing a finger, and making the other feel guilty, we cannot see
what is really going on. Blame is a way to keep the fight alive. TAKE A
VACATION FROM BLAME FOR ONE DAY. Instead of thinking of all the ways the
person has hurt you keep your eyes open to watch how you may be stoking
the fires. Focus upon what the person has done for you, instead, the
ways in which they have been kind.
2)Realize The Price You Are Paying For These Fights Unless we truly
realize the terribly toll fighting is taking on us, we will continue it
automatically. Honestly take note of the consequences each fight brings,
what it is doing to your body, mind and spirit. Then ask do I truly want
this? Haven’t I suffered enough? Why not stop it today?
3) Know There Is A Better Way - You have to become aware that there is a
better way to be in a relationship. This is the time to expand your
view. Define success as being happy rather than being right. Learn other
tools and techniques which will de-escalate anger and make a positive
relationship possible for you.
4)Build A Strong Sense of Self-Worth
The basis of all good relationships is a feeling of worthiness, a desire
to honor, gift and pleasure yourself, and to do the same for the other.
Choose this kind of relationship and let go of all that opposes it.
As we have the courage to let go of anger, not only does our health
improve, but soon we notice many kinds of wonderful, new people and
experiences entering our lives. We attract what we focus upon. When we
focus upon well-being,
forgiveness and love, that is what will fill our
lives.
By Dr. Brenda Shoshanna
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