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Egos are a bit like Jekyll and Hyde. There’s a part that helps you to be
the person you want to be. And in fact it’s part of the definition of
who you really are. It’s the ego that is largely responsible for anger.
Anger is destructive. It destroys the person who feels angry and it can
have devastating effects on the people interacting with the angry
person. When anger gets on top of you, it is difficult to resist the
downward spiral. Suddenly the smallest incident or comment can cause
anger. The body reacts every time by raising the heart rate, acidity in
your stomach rising, your muscles weaken after the initial adrenaline
rush that gives you power. Anger is really a most undesirable state to
be in. It serves virtually no purpose.
Recognising how much anger rules your life is the first step to
eradicating it from your being. You need to find the anger triggers.
Imagine a normal day from the moment you get up to the moment you get to
bed. When is the first time you encounter a situation that can make you
potentially feel angry? And how would you rate that anger on a scale of
1 – 10, one being slightly angry and ten being a feeling of
uncontrollable rage? Follow your average day and write down all anger
triggers. For example, driving to work, reoccurring situations with your
partner which make you angry, things your children do or don’t do,
situations at work, etc.
When you’ve identified, written down and rated all your anger triggers,
you get a good idea for how angry you are as a person. If you have
identified only a few triggers that you’ve rated below 4 on the scale,
then you’re probably not a very angry person and only react
occasionally. If you have a dozen or more triggers that are rated above
five in your average day, then you have a problem. You’re in pain for a
large part of your daily life and this, almost without a doubt, has an
impact on you and those around you.
How do you escape the anger grip? Read the following statements and
integrate them in your belief system:
•You can’t change other people. If others behave in a way towards you
that makes you angry, you either have to stop being around them or
accept them as they are and stop being angry. Don’t expect the other
person to change.
•Your expectations are your very own personal views. More than likely
they are not shared to their full extend by those around you. At the
same time others may have expectations that you don’t match. Rather than
forcing others to live up to your expectations or being subject to
pressure from others, find a compromise that everyone can live with.
•Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and the concept of right or
wrong may apply in the court room, but in most situations there is no
such thing. There are only different opinions, different ways of doing
things, different habits and beliefs. Nothing makes one opinion more
valuable or more right than another.
•You don’t have to be right all the time. Giving in or accepting that
others have a different view is not a weakness. It doesn’t take away
from who you are. Next time you’re in a discussion or argument, just
stop. Say to the other person that you’ll have to agree to disagree and
leave it at that.
•If you perceive others to behave towards you in an aggressive way, you
can easily trace this back to you as the original source. Either you’re
giving off ‘anger vibes’ that the other person picks up on, or more
likely you’re misinterpreting other people’s behaviour. For example, if
being overtaken on the road makes you angry, then you’re probably taking
this far more personal than you should. You’re misinterpreting the other
person’s behaviour you as something that they are doing to hurt you.
Most likely the reason why they are overtaking you has nothing to do
with you; they don’t even know you. Next time you feel that someone is
attacking you personally, take a deep breath and say to yourself that
you are not taking others’ actions personal anymore.
Once you’ve fully understood and integrated these points in your life, a
large of explosive situations that usually make you angry will already
have been desensitised.
In addition, next time you face one of your
anger triggers, consciously
take a step back from the situation. Take three deep breaths. Tell
yourself that you are choosing not to be angry any longer. Say to
yourself that you are living a different life now, a life in which peace
and harmony are priorities over being right and getting even. Continue
to breathe until you feel completely calm. With every breath imagine
yourself breathing in peace and harmony and breathing out anger.
by :
Uta Roggendorf
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