How To Manage Anger

     When we're angry with others we spend energy that we could preserve for ourselves or spend much more constructively. Why do we waste so much effort defending ourselves, disagreeing, trying to convince others to see things from our perspective?

It�s our egos. And don�t get me wrong. This is not another article telling you that you should get rid of your ego. The ego keeps you alive; it helps you achieve your goals and dreams. It�s thanks to egos that we have developed the world into the place we live now (yes, egos are also helping to destroy it). Would you want to live without cars, fridges, TVs, computers? I know I wouldn�t!

Egos are a bit like Jekyll and Hyde. There�s a part that helps you to be the person you want to be. And in fact it�s part of the definition of who you really are. It�s the ego that is largely responsible for anger. Anger is destructive. It destroys the person who feels angry and it can have devastating effects on the people interacting with the angry person. When anger gets on top of you, it is difficult to resist the downward spiral. Suddenly the smallest incident or comment can cause anger. The body reacts every time by raising the heart rate, acidity in your stomach rising, your muscles weaken after the initial adrenaline rush that gives you power. Anger is really a most undesirable state to be in. It serves virtually no purpose.

Recognising how much anger rules your life is the first step to eradicating it from your being. You need to find the anger triggers. Imagine a normal day from the moment you get up to the moment you get to bed. When is the first time you encounter a situation that can make you potentially feel angry? And how would you rate that anger on a scale of 1 � 10, one being slightly angry and ten being a feeling of uncontrollable rage? Follow your average day and write down all anger triggers. For example, driving to work, reoccurring situations with your partner which make you angry, things your children do or don�t do, situations at work, etc.

When you�ve identified, written down and rated all your anger triggers, you get a good idea for how angry you are as a person. If you have identified only a few triggers that you�ve rated below 4 on the scale, then you�re probably not a very angry person and only react occasionally. If you have a dozen or more triggers that are rated above five in your average day, then you have a problem. You�re in pain for a large part of your daily life and this, almost without a doubt, has an impact on you and those around you.

How do you escape the anger grip? Read the following statements and integrate them in your belief system:

�You can�t change other people. If others behave in a way towards you that makes you angry, you either have to stop being around them or accept them as they are and stop being angry. Don�t expect the other person to change.

�Your expectations are your very own personal views. More than likely they are not shared to their full extend by those around you. At the same time others may have expectations that you don�t match. Rather than forcing others to live up to your expectations or being subject to pressure from others, find a compromise that everyone can live with.

�Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and the concept of right or wrong may apply in the court room, but in most situations there is no such thing. There are only different opinions, different ways of doing things, different habits and beliefs. Nothing makes one opinion more valuable or more right than another.

�You don�t have to be right all the time. Giving in or accepting that others have a different view is not a weakness. It doesn�t take away from who you are. Next time you�re in a discussion or argument, just stop. Say to the other person that you�ll have to agree to disagree and leave it at that.

�If you perceive others to behave towards you in an aggressive way, you can easily trace this back to you as the original source. Either you�re giving off �anger vibes� that the other person picks up on, or more likely you�re misinterpreting other people�s behaviour. For example, if being overtaken on the road makes you angry, then you�re probably taking this far more personal than you should. You�re misinterpreting the other person�s behaviour you as something that they are doing to hurt you. Most likely the reason why they are overtaking you has nothing to do with you; they don�t even know you. Next time you feel that someone is attacking you personally, take a deep breath and say to yourself that you are not taking others� actions personal anymore.

Once you�ve fully understood and integrated these points in your life, a large of explosive situations that usually make you angry will already have been desensitised.

In addition, next time you face one of your anger triggers, consciously take a step back from the situation. Take three deep breaths. Tell yourself that you are choosing not to be angry any longer. Say to yourself that you are living a different life now, a life in which peace and harmony are priorities over being right and getting even. Continue to breathe until you feel completely calm. With every breath imagine yourself breathing in peace and harmony and breathing out anger.
 

 by : Uta Roggendorf