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Mary: "That’s the feeblest excuse I ever heard! I’ll tell you what it
REALLY is. You forgot to get me something because you don’t care
anymore."
Tom:" How can you say that? I just built that bookcase for you, didn’t
I? And didn't I just change the oil in your car last Saturday?"
Mary:"Fine!" (said with a hollow and sarcastic tone)
Tom:"Anything good on TV tonight?"
—(curtain down)—
After this interchange, the children came into the room which resulted
in Mary and Tom focusing on them and thus avoiding each other the rest
of the evening.
Although neither could admit it, they were both miserable and lonely,
wanting to connect with each other but not knowing how.
TURNING EACH OTHER INTO STRANGERS
Even though they loved each other, Mary and Tom had effectively turned
each other into strangers, feeling miles apart emotionally while sitting
at the same table, sleeping in the same bed, and living in the same
house.
Both felt misunderstood, angry, resentful and unappreciated.
TURNING EACH OTHER INTO ENEMIES
In contrast, Dennis and Nancy , married only 6 months, found themselves
constantly at odds with each other. Let’s listen in on their latest
fight:
—(curtain up)—
Nancy" You left the toilet seat up again, just like a little boy. I
almost sat in the water at 3AM this morning."
Dennis:"You would think that an intelligent woman like you would
remember to look to see if the seat was up or down before sitting down."
Nancy:"You are inconsiderate and selfish and purposely do things to
irritate me."
Dennis (to Nancy):"I forgot! Get off my back."
Dennis (to himself):"Why should I give in her to? Last week she wouldn’t
even have sex with me after I bought her that expensive Valentine’s
gift."
—(curtain down)—
ANGER IS A FALL-BACK POSITION
In both these marriages, anger is seen as “fallback” behavior —what the
couple resorted to when they were unable to express themselves to their
partners in any other way. Their goal wasn’t to fight: it was to be
heard by the other, to control the other, or to get the other to change
some problem behavior.
THE CROSSROADS MOMENT
Truth is, at any moment in
your relationship with your partner, you can
elect to either antagonize them, alienate them, or turn them into an
ally.
SOLVE THE MOMENT-NOT THE PROBLEM
Anger in marriage is often generated by couples trying to solve an
unsolvable issue. Many issues are unsolvable if attacked directly—this
is true no matter who you are married to.
These issues are “perpetual” and successful couples find a way to be
with each other despite these differences.
Rather than demanding change, (which often leads to frustration and
anger),try instead opening up an honest dialogue around the dispute to
develop deeper understanding of why both you and your partner feel as
you do.
Seeing things from their point of view can do wonders to soften
conflicts and decrease tensions, even if the original issue remains.
Often your partner will try harder to change if they see that you are
trying to understand them better.
You may also find that you too try harder to “soften” your anger if you
feel that your partner is trying to understand your feelings around the
issue.
Being on the same side of the issue—allies— is the key to dealing with
it, even if the actual problem is never solved!
By Tony Fiore
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