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Later, she left an anguished message saying that she loved him, but
couldn't deal with his angry, hurtful outbursts.
Kevin said that he normally is a very "nice" and friendly person. But,
on this occasion, his girlfriend had been drinking before the party. In
his view, she was irrational, and non-stop in criticism. He tried to
reason with her, but it just made things worse. Finally, as Kevin saw
things,in desperation he "lost it" and became enraged.
How should Kevin have handled this situation? What could he have done
differently? What actions should you take in similar situations?
OPTION 1:RETEAT AND THINK THINGS OVER
Take a 20 minute time-out (but commit to returning later to work on the
issue). Take a walk.
Calm yourself down. Breath deeply. Meditate. Do something else for
awhile. New reasearch by John Gottman, Ph.D., at the University of
Washington indicates that when you and your partner argue, your pulse
rate goes high,and you enter a physiological state called DPA (diffuse
physiological arousal). Once there, it becomes nearly impossible to
solve the problem. You lose perspective. Your reasoning ability, memory,
and judgment, greatly decline.
Retreating and thinking things over allows both of you to return to your
normal state of mind.It is neither healthy or necessary for you to
explode as a result of being provoked by your partner. Our
recommendation: Turn the heat down rather than intensifying the
pressure.
OPTION 2: INTERACT DIFFERENTLY
Many couples like Keith and his partner develop patterns of behavior
that create miscommunication and conflict. Do you interact in one, or
more, of these ways?
AVOID THESE NEGATIVE PATTERNS:
INATTENTION - simply ignoring your partner when you shouldn't. This is
also called stonewalling, or being emotionally unavailable when your
partner needs you, or not speaking to your partner for long periods
because you are upset with them.
INTIMIDATION-engaging in behavior intended to make your partner do
things out of fear. This includes yelling, screaming, threatening, and
posturing in a threatening way.
MANIPULATION-doing or saying things to influence your partner,for your
benefit, instead of theirs.
HOSTILITY-using sarcasm, put-downs,and antagonistic remarks. Extreme or
prolonged hostility leads to contempt which is a major predictor of
divorce.
VENGEANCE- the need to "get even" with your partner for a grievance you
have against them.
Many dysfunctional couples "keep score," and are constantly trying to
"pay back" each other for offenses.
CRITICISM-involves attacking someone's personality or character, rather
than a specific behavior, often coupled with blame. Like contempt,
criticism is a second major predictor of divorce.
DEVELOP POSITIVE INTERACTIONS
Start by actually listening not only to what your partner says, but what
he or she means.
Partners in conflict are not listening to understand; rather, they
listen with their answer running because they are defensive.
Unfortunately, defensiveness is another predictor of divorce.
Stick to the issue at hand. Seems obvious but is very hard to do in the
heat of battle. Focus and stay in the present.
LEARN TO FORGIVE
Research by Peter Larson, Ph.D., at the Smalley Relationship Center,
suggests a huge relationship between marriage satisfaction and
forgiveness. As much as one-third of marriage satisfaction is related to
forgiveness !
Communicate your feelings and needs. Tell your partner how you feel
about what they do, instead of accusing them of deliberately offensive
behavior. Use "I" statements rather than accusatory, or "you,"
statements. Learn to communicate unmet needs so that your partner can
better understand and respond to you.
For instance, If you are feeling fear, it may be your need for emotional
safety and security that is not being met; communicating this is far
more effective than lashing out at your partner in an angry tirade.
by :
Tony
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