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Yet, even in this tragic situation, at
some point in the future-when she is ready-Elizabeth might elect to find
a way to forgive. For her to be able to do this, after a certain amount
of time, she will have to take the step of separating in her mind two
things:
(1) blaming the hospital for what they did and
(2) blaming them for her resulting feelings about the situation.
Elizabeth cannot change what was done to
her daughter, but she can change her current feelings about it and she
can change how she lives the rest of her life. If she continues to hold
an intense grievance, she is giving all the power to what happened in
the past to determine her present emotional well being-almost like being
victimized again while remaining in her emotional prison.
SHOULD YOU FORGIVE?
The answer to this question always comes down to personal choices and
decisions. Some people in our
anger management classes feel that certain
things cannot and shouldn't be forgiven while other participants feel
that ultimately anything can be forgiven.
As an example of what is possible, the staff of the Stanford Forgiveness
Project successfully worked with Protestant and Catholic families of
Northern Ireland whose children had been killed by each other. Using the
techniques taught by the Stanford group, these grieving parents were
able to forgive and get on with their lives.
On the other hand, Dr. Abrams-Spring who wrote a classic book called
"After The Affair," cautions that forgiving a cheating partner too
quickly or too easily can be an indication of your low self-esteem. In
her view, forgiveness must be earned by the offending partner and not
given automatically.
As you struggle with your decision to forgive or not (and remember - it
is a decision), keep in mind that recent studies show that there are
measurable benefits to forgiveness.
TWO REASONS TO FORGIVE:
Forgiving Is Good For Your Health. Studies show that people who forgive
report fewer health problems while people who blame others for their
troubles have a higher incidence of illness such as cardiovascular
disease and cancers.
Forgiving is also good for your peace of mind. Scientific research shows
that Forgiveness often improves your peace of mind: One such study done
in 1996 showed that the more people forgave those who deeply hurt them,
the less angry they were.
Two studies of divorced people show that those who forgave the former
spouse were more emotionally healthy than those who chose not to
forgive. The forgivers had a higher sense of well being and lower
anxiety and depression.
THREE TIPS TO FORGIVE
It is common for angry people to think,"I want to forgive and I know I
should, but I don't know how."
TIP 1- Remember,forgiveness is a process that takes time and patience to
complete. You must be ready. Realize that this is for you-not for anyone
else.
TIP 2-Realize that forgiving does not mean you are condoning the actions
of the offender or what they did to you. It does mean that you will
blame less and find a way to think differently about what happened to
you.
TIP 3-Refocus on the positives in your life. Remember that a life well
lived is the best revenge. People who find a way to see love, beauty and
kindness around them are better able to forgive and get past their life
grievances.
By Tony Fiore
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