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I’m sure you’ve noticed that when you are
really angry, you can’t think clearly. Again, the reason for that is
that you are not using your logical, rational portion of your brain. It
takes a minimum of about 20 minutes for your brain chemicals to go back
to normal and to think clearly again.
It’s time to take a look at your situation with anger. Answer the
following questions. Take an honest look, don’t sugar coat how you
handle anger. Even if you are not angry often, please read some of the
strategies that follow these questions. The strategies can help in all
of our relationships.
When was the last time you were really angry? What was the situation
that created your feelings of anger?
How frequently do you feel angry?
Do you have a short or long fuse?
Do you frequently become verbally abusive when you’re angry? Do you call
the person demeaning names, cuss at them, call them stupid, fat, lazy or
use racial slurs?
Have you ever become violent when you’re angry? “Just once” is still too
often. Violence includes: slapping, hitting, throwing things, hurting
animals, punching walls or destroying property. List any violent acts
you’ve done and who they were against.
Are people afraid of you when you’re angry?
Do you need to learn to express your anger in more productive ways?
Do you need to control your anger?
Is anger/rage destroying your
relationships?
WARNING SIGNS THAT SIGNAL YOUR NEED FOR PROFESSIONAL HELP:
There are warning signs that your rage is getting out of hand and you
need professional help. If you are violent, verbally abusive and anger
is destroying your relationships it will take some massive action on
your part to stop this cycle. You need to call your local counseling
center or social service agency and ask to participate in Anger
Management sessions. It is NOT ok to continue this way. The price others
have paid to be around you is far too high. The price you will pay, if
you insist on continuing will be high also. Stop reading this now. Go to
your phone with your phone book, look in the yellow pages under
Counseling and call now. You can look for counseling centers that are
United Way funded or connected with your local university. These centers
offer free or low cost counseling. You can also contact your child’s
school counselor and they will be able to give you local resources.
Continue to call until you reach a service that will help you. No
excuses. Just do it.
NORMAL ANGER: HOW TO MANAGE ANGER, IMPROVE YOUR EQ AND NURTURE YOUR
RELATIONSHIPS
Most people can use several more strategies in how to handle their
anger. Even if you are not frequently an angry person these steps can be
helpful in deepening your relationships. If you are an angry person,
then these tools will be essential to help you with handling your anger
more productively. (Again, if you have been violent you will need to
work with a counselor or psychologist to develop long lasting
strategies).
1. Stop arguing. When you continue to argue, you DON’T LISTEN and it
just feeds the anger cycle.
2. Set some “good fight” rules.
• NEVER say something that you know will hurt that person or
relationship for a lifetime. It’s cruel and unnecessary and you know it.
The person can forgive you, but they won’t likely forget or trust you.
• Have a signal for pause. A simple phrase like, “I’m just too angry and
upset to talk right now. This is important, so let’s get back together
and talk in a few minutes when we’re both more calm.”
• Make it ok to separate and cool down. Men more than women will leave
the scene when there’s extreme anger. I know this frustrates women.
However, men leave because they have a sense that anger is overtaking
them and they fear they will harm the woman or children they love. Do
not take this personally; it’s a good thing. They can come back when
they have calmed down.
3. Learn excellent communication skills. Every community has adult
learning, continuing education and excellent workshops on communication.
Make a commitment to attend one of these trainings within the next 3
months. This training will enrich your life and make all your
relationships easier including work, children and home. One simple
strategy I can give you now is: Don’t blame the other person for your
reaction. A simple phrase of – I feel______________, when
you_____________. In the future I would like or I
expect_________________. This simple communication tools gets you to the
heart of anger, which almost always is hurt. It is assertive, helps get
your needs met, yet does not attack or provoke the listener.
4. Do NOT mentally rehearse the anger situation over and over again.
When you picture the situation and possible ugly comebacks you only
prolong your anger. It’s a form of self-abuse and “justifies” and even
uglier reaction to that person the next time you see them. Mentally
rehearse an easy flow of conversation. Feel what it would be like to
REALLY understand and be understood by that person. Positive mental
rehearsal will help get you back into your rational brain.
by :
Dr. Iris Fanning
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