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All of the styles of anger management are learned styles. And, if they
were learned, they can be unlearned or relearned. What this implies is
that parents are not stuck with their particular style of anger
management but can learn to better
manage or direct their anger.
The suppressor style sits on or suppresses anger. Parents with this
style of anger management have learned that anger is all bad, therefore
it must be eliminated. But anger is a God-given, natural emotion that
cannot be eliminated. Consequently, parents bottle up their anger until
it reaches the boiling point and they explode over the smallest,
insignificant situation. Parents with this style tend to deny feeling or
expressions of anger in their life. They are worried about what others
might think or say if they were to express their anger. Their trigger
thoughts include needing others to always approve of them or see them in
positive light. They might also have grown up in a family with a venting
parent. As a result, they might have learned to suppress their anger for
fear of retaliation or made a personal vow never to be like their
parent.
The ventor style is at the opposite end of the anger management continuim. Unlike the suppressor, this person freely and uncontrollably
expresses their anger. They take no prisoners and have no mercy in the
heat of the moment. Anyone and everyone can be a target for their verbal
or physical expressions of anger. They often describe themselves as
feeling "flooded" or under the control of their emotions which results
in them acting out-of-control. They usually feel quilty and remorseful
for their expressions of anger after the fact and may make promises to
change. These people have learned that anger is a quick and effective
way to control others or get what they want. Young children learn that
temper tantrums will get them the candy or toy they desire and adults
find out that anger outburst will get cooperation from children, however
temporary the cooperation might be. The need for power and control are
usually at the center of their thoughts. Inversely, they are often very
insecure and feel powerless in their life unless they are venting at
others. Ventors suffer interpersonally. As other avoid their outburst,
they become isolated and alone. This too may result in more venting.
The last style is the manager or director style of anger management. The
parent with this style of anger is aware of his anger but uses it in a
constructive manner. He does not bottle it up like the suppressor or
freely blast it like the ventor. Instead the manager will acknowledge
their emotion and use the energy to create a change in their situation
or relationship. For example, a parent might state: "I am very angry
that the toys have not been picked up." The manager or director
communicates in an assertive manner by stating what they want and not
what they don't want. They might tell their child: "I want you to pick
up all of these toys or I will have to put them away for a while." They
do not blame or shame a child to gain their cooperation. While this
might work in the short-term it usually fails to produce lasting
cooperation. Instead it breeds resentment and revenge. Manager or
directors do not follow the myths of anger management ("If you get it
out it will go away" and "All anger is bad"). And most importantly,
managers and directors detect, dispute, and discriminate any irrational
thoughts that might trigger their anger. They are aware of what pushes
their buttons and are able, with practice, to disconnect this faulty
learning.
By Ron Huxley, LMFT
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