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In order to help this couple we had to find out what caused them to be
so angry with each other. Both of them displayed the very thing that we
believe is the root cause of not all, but a lot of anger. Fear!
Fear is a close relative of anger
Perhaps that is a foreign concept to you. Neither the husband nor wife
could see the root cause of their anger until we were able to point it
out to them. Anger seems to do that to you. It blinds you from the
truth! It causes you to look for someone else to blame. I always say
once you are able to see and own the real cause of your problem you are
over half way to solving it.
Sometimes fears hide themselves and you have to look closer. For example
a man likes to succeed, right? Push his buttons and see if he doesn’t
react as a result of a fear of failure.
A woman likes to be affirmed, right? Push her buttons and see if she
isn’t deep down afraid of rejection. Come on, we all like to be accepted
whether it is through what we do or how we look.
In the husband’s case he had been married twice before and both times he
had lost a lot of money. Fear of it happening again was the root cause
of his outbursts of anger.
Of course, those sudden flare-ups of temper, while destructive enough,
are not the most vicious forms of anger. Much more deadly is the
"controlled burn”, the seething crater of hatred and spite contained
within the heart and fed daily with fresh accusations, either real or
imagined. Given the right set of circumstances, one might lash out and
in the process bring hurt where none was intended.
In the Bible the apostle Paul spoke not of the possibility of anger, but
of what to do in its presence. "Go ahead and be angry”, he said in
Ephesians 4:26. “But don't use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don't
stay angry, and don't go to bed angry.” (The Message)
If we are very hurt and very angry, our anger can overcome us - like the
couple that came for help. What do we do then? Although there is much
written on anger management I feel the most important of all is to
forgive the person who has hurt you and deal with the cause of your
anger.
Why is it important to forgive when you have been wronged?
Forgiveness releases you
In the Bible Jesus said: “Forgive and you will be forgiven.” (Luke
6:37). The literal translation of this Bible verse is ‘release and you
will be released’.
If you really forgive someone, you no longer blame that person, even
though they may be blameworthy. If you do not blame a person, you cannot
resent them. If you do not resent them you cannot hold any bitterness in
your heart. If you do not hold bitterness then you do not get all
emotionally tied up with anger and hate towards that person.
Forgiveness is a Choice
In Biblical terms, forgiveness is the loving, voluntary cancellation of
a debt. It is like when someone ‘owes’ you, but you choose to cancel the
debt. (Matthew 18:24-43)
It does not matter how long ago the hurtful event occurred, how wrong
they are or how many times we are hurt. The Bible says we must forgive
them so God can bless and forgive us. “If you forgive others their sins,
your Father in heaven will also forgive you your sins.”
Do not use the excuse that you are waiting until you feel like forgiving
or until they ask for forgiveness – it will probably never happen. It
only hurts you if you continue to let your emotions rule your life.
Forgiveness is a choice!
Deal with the root cause of anger
As mentioned earlier we all have expectations in life, whether it be to
succeed or be accepted. When these are blocked we can become frustrated
and angry. Several things can trigger anger, but they may not
necessarily be the real cause of your outbursts. A good doctor or
counselor will be able to help you understand what is the root cause of
your anger.
As mentioned, there is a definite link between fear and anger. What can
I do about it once my fears are recognized?
The moment I began a personal relationship with God and became his child
I was allowed to enjoy all the privileges a child would receive. I had
his love. God has promised that his love will drive fear away. “Where
God’s love is, there is no fear, because God’s perfect love drives fear
out.” (1 John 4:18)
By allowing God to fill you with his love you too can conquer your
fears. Whether it is a fear of failure or fear of
rejection you can be
secure in his love knowing that he will help you to succeed and meet
your deep inner needs if you allow him.
by :
Wilma Watson
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