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—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You
know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be
miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."
Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze?
You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are
you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)
IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would
be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room
thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon
temperature both could live with.
In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it
becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and
tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.
Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in
many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:
(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means
the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or
lose.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other
personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put
on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.
For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room
without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh
air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.
CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may
have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining
empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with
assertive
communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a
forthright manner)
Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to
put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I
tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be
comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too
and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s
sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."
Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want
you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me
that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue
sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it
doesn’t make us so angry at each other."
Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle.
Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and
then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips
will help:
FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings,
thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is
going on in both your heart and your mind.
Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue.
Focus on the process of communication.
Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful
married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy
than to be right!
Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join
them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.
By : Dr Tony Fiore
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