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It is my intention to bring to your
understanding the ways that verbal abuse escalates anger and does little
to resolve the issues at hand. Some of these categories of verbal abuse
may be familiar to you and some will kind of challenge your
understanding of what verbal abuse really is and how it works against
the relationship.
Verbally abusive relationships are rampant today. It filters down from
the home to the work place and out into the broader community. Smaller
children are using it more and more with their peers. Guess where they
are learning it?
The act of name calling has been around for a long time. Name calling is
demeaning, hurtful, and it discredits the individual. Name calling is
used to make the other individual feel “less than” and become submissive
to the perpetrator. Usually, the one doing the name calling has
self-esteem issues that mirror what he or she thinks of him/herself.
Judging or criticizing another individual is another way of making the
individual feel they aren’t good enough. This form of verbal abuse
states that somehow they would be a better individual if they acted in a
way the perpetrator believes they should act. Being judged by another
simply makes one want to retreat within, unless they have a strong sense
of self-worth and are able to thwart off such abuse.
Children and partners are often threatened by the perpetrator.
Threatening creates fear, submission, and compliance (if only for the
moment). Threats are often followed through with physical abuse. Again,
this behavior is not anger; this is rage – anger gone awry!
Accusations and blaming your partner is one’s inability to take
responsibility for his/her own actions, shortcomings, or blunders. In
this category, blaming is a way of taking the heat away from the
perpetrator and putting it out onto the other person. In this way, the
perpetrator does not have to take any responsibility for his/her
behavior.
Many individuals use trivializing or joking as a way of minimizing the
situation that may be a serious matter to the other individual. When the
joking or trivializing is not found acceptable by the other individual,
anger flares and verbal abuse escalates from both sides.
“But I wasn’t lying to you; I just didn’t tell you everything!”
Withholding is also a way of being verbally abusive. Oh, I know, you’re
probably saying, “If I told her everything, I would be in bigger trouble
and we’d just end up in a horrible fight!” Well, guess what … you just
dug a deeper hole for yourself by withholding pertinent information.
Passive behavior or using words that undermine the other person is
another form of verbal abuse. Not saying what you mean and going behind
their back to make things happen unbeknown to the other individual that
undermines their position is abusive. Telling your partner you will do
one thing, but know full-well you don’t intend to follow through with
your promise is undermining your partner.
Listening is an artful skill in developing a
healthy communication
bridge between yourself and the other person. However, it is not unusual
for a person who is listening to another individual to formulate his/her
response as he/she listens to the other individual. The response that
can be abusive is one that discounts or counters the other individual
without fully considering what it is that they had to say. It is an
immediate dismissal of what the other person had to offer because you,
the perpetrator of this abuse, do not value your partner’s opinion.
by :
Ronald Shepard
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