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Some people use anger to intimidate others and subsequently get what
they want. In this way, the angry person is able to control the behavior
of others.
Some people use their anger as a way of getting attention. If a person
needs attention, it doesn't always matter whether that attention is
positive or negative, as long as someone is noticing him or her.
Anger can also be used as a tactic to avoid responsibility. If a person
doesn't want to do something, anger can be a valid way to get out of it.
Similar to wanting attention, sometimes people are feeling small and
insignificant and anger works to pump themselves up or provide courage
to do something scary.
And others use it as an emotional release, much the same way a pressure
cooker lets off steam. Anger has energy. When someone is experiencing
things that are frustrating, he or she may not be dealing with his or
her anger. Instead of processing it, cognitively restructuring some
belief systems or working out the energy physically, anger can provide a
much needed release valve.
Do you recognize yourself in any of those scenarios? When you lose your
temper, which one of these reasons best identifies what you are trying
to accomplish? Perhaps you have yet another reason. One thing I know for
sure is that you always behave in your best attempt to get something you
want. Your behavior is never random and it never "just happens" to you.
It's a very subtle difference but an important one nonetheless. All
behavior is proactive. You do not choose a behavior because of something
that occurred outside of you. For example, I can remember asking my
youngest son to clean his room. He said he would do it later--only later
never came. So, I patiently asked him a second time. Again, he said he'd
do it later. This went on for most of the day. Finally, in exasperation,
I lost my temper with him and yelled at him about cleaning his room.
The question is why did I get angry? Most people would say I got angry
because my son wouldn't do what I asked. However, the real reason is
that I used my anger as my best attempt to get my son to clean his room.
(Just for the record, it didn't work very well.)
Why am I making this seemingly insignificant distinction? Because once
you become conscious of the reasons you are choosing your behavior, then
you can consciously choose to do something more responsible and more
effective.
More responsible means you are getting your needs met without
interfering with other people meeting theirs. Effective means it
actually works to get you what you really want.
When you use anger, it is not responsible because anger almost always
interferes with the other person getting his or her needs met. You
definitely have not only the right, but also the responsibility to get
your needs met but not at the expense of someone else.
Underlying most reasons for choosing anger, you are probably attempting
to improve an important relationship in your life. Anger will never work
to do that. You may get the initial satisfaction of getting the other
person to do your bidding,
but you have damaged something in the
relationship.
You must make a proactive plan about what you are going to do instead of
using anger. It should be something that has at least an equal chance of
getting you what you want while supporting others in their process of
getting their own needs met.
By Kim Olver
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