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Usually when you explode, someone gets
hurt. Some of your stress is relieved, and you might possibly even have
felt good for a few moments while you were releasing, but it doesn't
last. The person or people you hurt may be the ones you love the most in
the world--either way you don't like the results of your explosion.
You swore you wouldn't do it again, but
you just can't seem to stop. You feel guilty, and you may or may not be
able to apologize. When you do apologize nobody really believes you
anymore. You might even think you were justified in your explosion,
blaming someone else for how you felt.
Your needs still are not met. The problem is worse. But you got the
temporary relief from anger/rage release, so if something doesn't happen
to break the cycle you will probably do it all again. This is addiction.
You don't have to live like this.
CYCLE BREAKERS
Fortunately, there are many different ways to break the cycle of
anger/rage addiction.
1. Learn to meet your unmet needs. There is a sad, frightened child in
every anger/rage addict, whether they know it or not. Once you begin to
meet some of your own emotional needs, you will be more easily satisfied
with what others can give you, taking a lot of stress out of
relationships.
2. Identify the old behavior patterns and faulty thought processes that
you have been using that maintain your addiction and destructive
behavior. You may need Anger Management Counseling or an Anger
Management Program to help you with that.
3. Giving yourself some relief from physiological distress can also help
to break anger/rage addiction cycles. Exercise, a healthy diet,
relaxation or meditation can be very helpful in this area. Getting
plenty of rest is also essential to alleviating physiological distress.
4. Finding healthy ways to release your anger and rage can be extremely
helpful for breaking the addictive cycle. You can read Dr. DeFoore's
book or listen to his Anger Management Techniques to learn more about
healthy anger and rage release.
5. Experiencing physical release and relief with healthy anger work can
be a major breakthrough for some people suffering from anger/rage
addiction. Feeling powerful, being loud and using physical aggression in
safe, non-destructive ways lets you know that it's okay to be strong and
take charge of your situation. And no one has to get hurt in the
process.
WHEN RAGE BECOMES ADDICTIVE
The powerful rush of adrenaline that often accompanies anger feels good.
It actually gives a person greater physical strength temporarily while
the adrenaline is being released. After the release of anger, there is
often a sense of euphoria and general well-being. If there has been a
significant physical exertion during the expression of anger, there may
also be endorphins released into the bloodstream, creating an even
greater feeling of pleasure. All of this adds up to one point: you can
get addicted to explosive releases of anger and rage.
It feels bad to store up feelings. Sometimes you get tense, irritable
and uneasy. You may even develop physical pain from the tension, and
possibly develop stress-related illnesses. The relief from tension
experienced during aggressive behavior actually creates good feelings on
a physical level, although you may be in great pain emotionally. That's
the nature of addiction. When pleasant feelings become associated with
unhealthy and destructive behavior, you get addicted to that behavior.
The addictive cycle helps to illustrate how the pattern of suppression
and explosion develops. The cycle begins when your needs for love,
nurturance, support and security go unmet in childhood. This includes
experiences of neglect, abandonment,
rejection and the many types of
direct abuse. Part of being born as a vulnerable child in an imperfect
world means having experiences that are painful and frightening. One of
the ways we protect ourselves from more pain is through the
use of
anger.
If your parents were not educated about the healthy value of anger, they
may have punished or rejected you when you displayed this emotion.
Unfortunately, you continued to be hurt in various ways, and many of
your needs continued to go unmet. This causes a buildup of anger and
frustration, leading to a breaking point in a situation you feel is
"safe" to release your anger. The problem is that you tend to feel the
safest (and the most angry) in your home with those you love. This is
also where you tend to find the "last straw" that sends you "over the
edge."
That's when the explosion occurs, followed by the rush of power and
energy. At this point in the cycle, you may be verbally, emotionally or
physically abusive. This usually leads to an apology or an attempt to
"make it up to" the person or persons you have hurt. Some people don't
do this part; they just retreat into tremendous shame and guilt and
don't say a word about what has happened. Some powerful denial and
blocking can occur at this point if the person is incapable of
processing what has actually happened.
When apology or compensation does occur, the victim(s) may or may not
forgive the abuser. It really does not matter. If the shame goes
unhealed, the forgiveness will not be accepted. What matters is whether
or not the person in the addictive cycle takes responsibility in the
present, and takes care of unfinished business from the past. If they
do, they've broken the cycle. If not, they will repeat the cycle and
there will be more pain and suffering for all concerned. Fortunately,
there are many effective ways to break the addiction cycle, and
therefore no one has to be a victim to their addiction.
WHAT YOU HAVE TO LOOK FORWARD TO
When you have effectively broken the anger and rage addiction cycle,
your anger becomes healthy. Healthy anger is one of the most powerful
resources you can have, and you can use it in positive ways to create
the life of your dreams.
By: William G. DeFoore, Ph.D
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